Beer Oh Beer!

Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Guide

SYMPTON	FAULT	ACTION
Feet cold and wet.	Glass being held at incorrect angle.	Rotate glass so that open end points to ceiling.
Feet warm and wet.	Improper bladder control.	Stand next to nearest dog. Complain about house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.	Glass empty.	Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.	You have fallen over backward.	Have yourself lashed to the bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts.	You have fallen forward.	See above.
Beer tasteless. Front of shirt is wet.	Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.	Retire to restroom. Practice in front of mirror.
Floor blurred.	You are looking through bottom of empty glass.	Get someone to buy you another beer.
Floor moving.	You are being carried out.	Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark.	Bar has closed.	Confirm home address with bartender.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.	You are dancing on the table.	Fall on someone cushy-looking.
Beer is crystal-clear.	It's water. Your friends are trying to sober you up.	Find a new set of friends.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.	You have been in a fight.	Not knowing who you fought with, apologize to everyone.
Don't recognize anyone. Don't recognize the room.	You've wandered into the wrong party.	See if they have free beer.
Your singing sounds distorted.	The beer is too weak.	Drink more until your voice improves.